If you’re reading this post, you probably read part one of My Testimony. If not, go ahead and read that and I’ll see you back here in a bit. Thank you to everyone who read Part 1 and sent such encouraging words my way. It truly is appreciated. Today I am sharing part 2, which admittedly, was A LOT harder to write. However, I hope that it blesses you regardless.
The battle with epilepsy was one journey of it’s own but my journey in coming to know Christ was quite interesting …
Living La Vida Lukewarm
My first knowing of Jesus Christ developed through Roman Catholicism. I grew up going to Catholic church and attended Catholic school for most of my life. From being Christened to completing First Communion and finally, Confirmation. In secondary school, I felt as though my relationship with Jesus Christ – or rather my perception of Him – was the most solid and I loved that for me…..Yea…for ME…
But looking back, my relationship with Jesus Christ was probably more religious and self-seeking than relational and surrendered. I had perfect church attendance but no interest in reading or studying the scripture. Most of my understanding of the Word depended on what the priest explained when I attended church. Interestingly though, my prayer life was pretty active. I’d pray for every big, small and in between thing and I knew, that in my time of need, I can always go to Him in prayer. However, I was still feeding personal struggles with sin and actively living in the world – attending secular parties, clubs and eventually, I started partaking in J’ouvert over the carnival season. What was my perception of Jesus Christ then? I was one foot in and one foot out and without realizing it, Jesus was my genie in a bottle more than He was my Lord and Savior.
“15‘I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. 16So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will vomit you out of My mouth.”
It’s funny because, I prided myself in not “doing too much.” In my head, I wasn’t excessively partying nor did I partake in alcohol or any form of drugs. Surely, I was better off than the rest who had to be drunk or high to have fun. Right? WRONG! The audacity and pride was through the roof!
At some point in my mid to late teens, I began questioning a lot of things I would see in the Catholic church. That was a rabbit hole that left me riddled with fear and anxiety. Leaving the Catholic church was and still is very much frowned upon and this was all I knew. How was I going to do this? I’d be the only one in my household to “leave the church”. Fear and familiarity kept me going to church but still there was not much desire there to read His Word for myself.
A Seed Planted
In 2015 though, during a summer internship, I remember conversing with one of my managers who shared with me that she was a Catholic and now she is born again. Although, I’d hear many Catholics and born again Christians talk about Catholicism as distinct from born again Christians, I never truly understood the real difference. After our brief conversation about what it meant to be born again, I felt a bit of confused but mostly curious and concerned for myself.
I briefly thought, “Wow, I wonder how I can do that too”
That always stuck with me and her sharing that alone planted a seed in my heart. Little did I know how my life would have come full circle to God making a way and answering that simple thought – that later turned into a prayer. This is a reminder to us as believers not to gatekeep our testimonies. Even the smallest of it shared, can plant a seed.
8Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God,
Intense Pruning & God’s Grace
In the years just before the pandemic, God had already been doing a work on me because I started feeling strongly convicted to stop going to secular parties. For me, it began feeling very off that I’d partake in these worldly parties, listening to explicit music but yet, come to church the next day. It was a lifestyle I would willingly partake in and although subconsciously I knew the two settings were opposing, this was the norm. At some point however, I began feeling the discomfort in this. I remember going to church one Sunday morning and reflecting on the night before in a club with my friends. I felt like a hypocrite because I was claiming to be a follower of Christ and still choosing to love the things in the world for the sake of “fun” and “culture”. If loving God meant to obey His commands, then what were my choices here reflecting about my commitment to Him vs. my attachment to the world? Was it okay to choose the norms of the culture OVER God and what He said? So eventually, I did in fact stop the parties and slowly began reducing the amount of secular music I’d listen to. My desire for that life was slowly diminishing and I knew that change was not from me but God.
God was still chasing after me IN SPITE OF my lack of commitment to Him. I cannot humanly comprehend that level of love and mercy. Then COVID hit and my country was under lockdown. The pandemic was scary but to this day, I see it as God’s grace on my life. During this time, I connected with a girl who invited me to start doing a group Bible Study with her and some other persons. This is where I really started diving into the Word and a desire to read for myself grew. God’s grace.
“8For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.”
During this time though, I was in my first relationship which had been long term at this point. Despite us both being lukewarm in the faith in the beginning, as I continued to read and study the Word, my desires and outlook on my current life continued to shift. Eventually, our individual desires to pursue Christ and the intentionality that required in real life, became more and more out of sync. Naturally, God began to open my eyes about this and the conviction grew heavier about the relationship. Still, I was stubborn and just tried to fight it and mold the relationship in a way I thought pleased God. This brought a lot of brokenness and facing the truth about it all was quite difficult. For me it felt gut wrenching. God showed me that He was not on the throne of my heart and that what I wanted had become an idol over Him – even though what I wanted, kept me lukewarm in my faith and apart from Him. I was so caught up in what I wanted that I ignored the glaring warning signs that I had been asking God to show me.
32′For God has committed them all to disobedience, that He might have mercy on all.’
It may sound cliche but it’s real that sometimes God has already answered us but we refuse to hear because we ourselves, don’t like the answer. I excused things I shouldn’t have, given one too many chances and chosen to rest in the illusion in my head, while becoming blind to the reality – and losing myself in the process. Eventually though, it had become too much and it was crystal clear that I had to let go of the relationship and choose God. As I closed that chapter, I realized how much God’s grace and His protection abounded over my life, even in the midst of my rebellion towards Him.
3“You shall have no other gods before Me. 4“You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath, or in the water under the earth. 5 You shall not worship them nor serve them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God,
God Had Been Making A Way
You see, God has a sense of humour, He really does because….I hadn’t realized that what was a simple invite to a bible study, actually was God making a way back to Him. From that Bible Study, I was blessed with Christian friends that I had been praying years for. As I studied the Bible with them, a desire to read the Bible for myself was enkindled within me. These same friends would later be a huge support to me during my healing from that relationship. To this day, I see God’s mercy clearly in all of this because He still used my disobedience and the brokenness it brought, to make a way for me to seek Him. Even more, He surrounded me with believers who helped me along the way and who today, have become like family to me.
Another funny way He used this situation? Well, while in the dying phases of that relationship, I began visiting two non-denominational Christian churches, as a first step to find a new church home. Once that chapter had come to an end, with the support of my friends and family, I decided to get baptized in November 2023. Today I am planted in a church community where the Word of God is preached without compromise and sugar coating and I love the community I have in the people. From a seed that was planted to a desire for a deeper, more personal relationship with God, to Him literally making a way for me in the most uncanny ways.
27And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. 28And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
The months and years following this were both difficult and restorative. It felt like I had lost so much so suddenly but in my brokenness, He met me there. In reality, I had gained so much. I began reading the Bible more to learn God’s character, what a true godly woman and godly man looked like and God’s design for marriage. All of this began to change my outlook and heightened my discernment in the way I approached relationships. There was so much to unlearn and so much that I am still unlearning. He restored me in more ways than I can count – some which I thought were not possible. Best of all, He restored my joy and peace – something I hadn’t realized that I had lost for so long, due to the consequences of my sin. I began to enjoy life again. As I continued to seek God and learnt about who I am in Christ, He continued to remove old desires and filled my heart with ones that would bring glory to Him – which ultimately requires dependency on Him daily to live out. So much more had to be broken within me – and this remains ongoing.
The truth is that I could never change my own heart. Only God. This in itself, is a testament that when we truly seek Him, He does the work in us.
9And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
God is sovereign and faithful. He is so patient, intentional and merciful. He is my safe place and my redeemer and I give all glory to Him. Seeking out and accepting Jesus Christ in my life was the best decision I have made. I have no regrets and I never want to live a life apart from Him. Make no mistake it is a daily walk and an imperfect one at that. This walk rings me out, humbles me and reminds me daily that I am still indeed a sinner in need of my Savior. My strength comes from Him alone and true life comes from Him alone.
20My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
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As always, to God’s blessings, peace, happiness and love!
Simone Inspires 